Ever hear that ol' saying "Maybe God's trying to tell you something"?
It's sort of like saying, "If you're having a hard time opening the bottle of pickles, maybe pickles aren't what you need."
My spirituality has evolved substantially over the last few years and with that, so has my definition of "God". I've always had a hard time with the image of an old man in the sky. To me, "God" had to be so much more. I've come to know that God can be whatever it needs to be to meet your needs. For me, God is a symbol for the collective energy of the universe; God = Love. It is the life-force we all share, the energy of all things, the light in every soul.
When I was younger, my writer's mind would work very hard to script out the outcomes of every event, conversation and interaction. I tried to control environments so I would know the response of each person with whom I came into contact. I was also miserable. I made everyone else miserable. I developed an eating disorder. I spent a lot of time in a downward depression spiral. Then, a dear friend told me I needed to stop trying to write the script of my life. She said I needed to take my hands off the keyboard and let God do the writing.
I thought she was crazy. How would I do that? What if someone didn't 't like what was happening? What if they didn't like me? What if I made someone mad? Reluctantly, I gave it a try. I relaxed. I became comfortable with myself. I stopped trying to control outcomes with other people. I stopped being miserable. It took me a long time to accept that I didn't need to be in complete control of each aspect of my life, but after a while, I found I was happier, more relaxed. Less sick. If only 10 people turned out for an event in which I was hoping for 50, I just figured those were the people who needed to be there. If someone didn't like an occasion or gift, I decided that was more a reflection of them than me, if I'd done my best. I couldn't control the people around me, I could only control my response. Sometimes it's a struggle even still, but I've learned to just go with the proverbial flow. Things will work out. They always seem to anyway.
The most important lesson I had to learn was to be still. I was always in a state of motion -- you have to be to control everyone and everything. When you get still, there is quiet and within the quiet you can hear that small voice in the back of your head. The one that whispers ever so quietly to remind you which way to turn. We all have that voice, I think, but so many louder and frankly, unimportant, voices get in our heads, it's hard to hear.
The more I listen to the voice, the better things are. I call these messages "God Breezes". Others might call it instinct or conscience, but I like to think the voice is the collective hopes and dreams of my ancestors and the people beyond me who are there to lift me up. Their voices, and their love, is carried on the breeze to my heart...a direct line from heaven.
When I get one of those messages in the breeze, I've learned to follow those instructions. Even when it seems crazy to do so. Last week, my friend LuAnn called. "I need you to write something for me. I feel there is some urgency to it. I think we need to escape for the night and sit together and get this done," she said.
I thought, "There is no way this can happen. I am so far behind, I cannot see straight. I have hundreds of obligations right now. Sneak away even for a night? No way."
But then there was the voice-- a God Breeze. "Go. Just.... Go." LuAnn understands the power of the still, small voice. She's one of the most peaceful people I've ever been around. Our friends call her Buddha. She makes you feel warm and loved. LuAnn is one of a select group of people I call my "Soul Warriors". These are the people I rely on for truth and compassion when I need it. They're also good for sharing food and a cold beer. One thing I know about LuAnn; if she calls, you answer. It's important.
With that in mind, I packed an overnight bag and headed into the Snake River Canyon where we stayed at a beautiful motel on the banks of Billingsley Creek.
We shared a fresh pear, a bottle of wine and one of her amazing home-cooked meals. We laughed and hugged. She told me her life story so I can create a written profile of her for her employer. We chatted more and watched a few cooking shows. After that, se snuggled into bed with the sounds of the creek behind us.
The next morning, we sat by the water and soaked up the early autumn sun. Most importantly, we slowed down.
In fact, we stopped. Our usually frenetic lives were on the upper rim of the canyon Down here, you take deep breathes and long, slow walks. You touch the waters edge and let it fill your soul. It was glorious. I'm so grateful I trusted that God Breeze and made the decision to join LuAnn.
I truly do have many, too many, projects on my plate right now. I was feeling stressed. And then, the Universe sent me a message. Is God trying to tell me something?
When life is going crazy, there is always time to slow down. Share a cup of tea with a cherished friend. Maybe if we all listened to our God Breeze's, the world would not be so angry.
That's my wish for my Queendom... hope it's yours too.